


The Bane of My Existence

by cloudeater (anxiousgoat), gigglefit (NoctuaLusa), Ravenclaw_Cait, seanisfinnigan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Centaurs, Crack, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27431002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxiousgoat/pseuds/cloudeater, https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoctuaLusa/pseuds/gigglefit, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravenclaw_Cait/pseuds/Ravenclaw_Cait, https://archiveofourown.org/users/seanisfinnigan/pseuds/seanisfinnigan
Summary: Ron is lost in the forbidden forest, but he never could've imagined what he'd find in there.
Relationships: Bane/Ron Weasley
Kudos: 2
Collections: Fanatical Fam's Crackfic Chaos





	The Bane of My Existence

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Crackfic written by the Fanatical Fam over on the discord for the Fanatical Fics and Where To Find Them podcast!  
> These fics have been created using our favourite bot - Chocolate Frogs - during a game we like to call Crackfic Chaos.

Ron was in the Forbidden Forest. 

He didn't know why he was there or even how he'd got there, though he presumed he'd walked. He certainly didn't know where he was - the only reason he even knew it was the Forbidden Forest was that Bane the centaur was standing right in front of him, stamping his hooves and flicking his tail angrily. 

"How dare you invade our Forest yet again, red-haired menace?" he was demanding. Ron bit nervously into the baked fish he was carrying. 

Mumbling around the baked fish, Ron said: "Er, good evening, er, Bane?" the centaur graciously inclined his head.

“Good Evening Ronald Weasley”. Ron was always slightly nervous around the centaurs, but Bane was a real unknown quantity to him as he had only met him once in fifth year. Swallowing the mouthful of fish with some difficulty, Ron spoke nervously again 

“What brings you here Bane?”

“You do, Ronald Weasley” Bane said, leaving the redhead dumbstruck and nervous "Shall we head to the astronomy tower?" the centaur continued. "The star gazing should be exceptional tonight." Ron gulped. 

"Uh, yeah, sure," he stuttered as he followed Bane, who was already heading up the staircases with surprising dexterity. When they reached the top, Bane simply stared at the stars for several minutes, in silence.

Ron wasn’t sure whether to break the silence or not, so he decided to follow Bane’s lead and simply stare up at the night sky. Once his eyes had adjusted to the night sky, he could see endless stars and constellations. He breathed deeply, inhaling the night air, and felt the centaur shift slightly beside him. 

“That’s Venus” Bane pointed out, “although she is also known as Aphrodite”. Ron gulped as he felt the strong muscular arm of the centaur slip around his waist. Then he noticed Bane holding a vial of potion in his hand. 

"What does that do? Asked Ron. 

“I want to become a man for you” Bane said Ron gasped, pressing a hand to his heart. 

"Are you... are you sure?" he said, his voice trembling with emotion. Bane looked once more into the skies, silent, and then back at him. 

"Yes. I am sure." Ron stared at him with tears in his eyes, and then his jaw set. 

"No!" he said. "You'd be giving up who you are! I can't let you do that!" Bane shook his head slowly and sadly. 

"But if I do not, we can't be together. Our..." He waved a hand. "Our bodies are not compatible." 

Ron, absent mindedly picking a leaf off a nearby tree and eating it, said, "But what if I become a centaur?" Bane looked surprised at the question, but then slowly smiled. 

"You... you would be willing to do that? For me?" he asked. 

"Yes, Bane. Anything for you," Ron answered. As the words escaped his lips, he began to transform. His legs began to split into four and grow short, coarse red hair as his chest became thicker and similarly hairy. Soon, a rowan centaur was standing before Bane. Bane stared at the newly formed centaur as if he could not believe his luck. Tentatively, he stretched out an arm and stroke the fur on Ron's flank. 

"So soft," he murmured dreamily. Ron closed his eyes.

"I never imagined being a centaur would feel this... good," murmured Ron softly as Bane stroked his flanks. "I feel so full of... vitality! Like I can do anything! Come, let us run together! I want to feel the wind through my mane!" 

And with that, the two centaurs began to gallop through the forest, until they came upon a steep cliff. Ron, not used to his new body, stumbled and fell, hitting the bottom with a sickening thud. Bane screamed from the top of the cliff as he saw his beloved crash down below him, but he had soon found a path down the steep cliff face and made his way down it. Ron was groaning, one leg bent at a painful angle beneath him. Tears rolled down Bane's face. 

"I don't think I can heal this," he sobbed. But Ron reached up and caressed his face. 

"For one run with you, it was worth it. But I believe in you, Bane! You can heal my leg! And even if you can't, we can still be happy." 

Bane knew he couldn’t heal him. He sobbed as his heart broke into a million pieces. He knew this was the sort of injury only the strongest healing magic could fix. And so he used every last bit of his strength to gather Ron into his arms, cradling him against his muscular chest. And ran as fast as he could to the hospital wing Madam Pomfrey only took a short look at the couple before leaning against the wall, murmuring under her breath a spell Bane had never heard before. But then, the walls of the castle shook and tendrils of light wove around the pair, entering their bodies - and healing all the wounds, visible and invisible. 

And they lived happily and healthily ever after.


End file.
